Adventures In Grocery Shopping

I really don't like grocery shopping. It's one of those tasks that I need to figure out how to manage more efficiently. Maybe it's because of all the prep work before the store, and all the work afterwards.

First you have to plan your menu. Next your grocery list. Then find a time to make it to the store during the week when you hopefully don't have all your kids with you. Once there, you try to find the best deals and hope you don't forget anything on your list. When home, you put away all the groceries, which may involve reorganizing cupboards if you have very little cupboard space.

Then there's the frustration that comes when your family doesn't eat all their food, throws stuff away, or turns their nose up at leftovers. As I delve deeper into this adventure of parenthood, I understand my parents so much more. It takes hard work and hard earned money to keep fridges and pantries full. Each time perfectly good food is not eaten, unappreciated, or allowed to go rotten, it is not only money down the drain, but lots of my time as well. Is that why I always seem to eat off my kids plates when they don't finish their food? Because someone has to appreciate what it takes to put a balanced meal on the table?

As is the case every week, this week I needed to grocery shop. Even if you buy food for a month's worth of dinners, a weekly trip for the fresh stuff is necessary. I found myself putting it off at the beginning of the week because it's Spring break. That means no break from the kids. That means take all three of them. Ugh. By Wednesday, I knew I was pushing it with my makeshift dinners. There was no avoiding it. I had to go. With all three kids. And my bulging pregnant belly. LOVE the looks I get...

We had a busy morning, so we decided to go after Andrew's nap. He slept a long time, which meant that we'd be at the store during the busiest time of day. And also during the witching hour of the day. You know - the hour when the tears come the easiest and the kids are the least agreeable. Mistake #1.

So the freak outs started as soon as we got out of the car. It has been a cold and windy couple of days. We happened to park by a flagpole. Mistake #2. There was an American flag which was noisily flapping about overhead. This scared the kids. Megan started to panic and cry. Everyone had to hold my hand. No, they had to have my hand all to themselves. Two hands + Three kids = shoving matches in the gravel filled parking lot. James went down. Megan next. Andrew clings to my neck and cries. I grab any appendage I can, and start to move, all the while mumbling in a low voice, "Just get into the store. Just get into the store. Stop it. We are not doing this already. JUST GET INTO THE STORE."

We get into the store. Everyone is wondering why my kids are all crying and my face is all red. And we haven't even started. After crossing all the way to the other side of the store, (because we entered through the exit door. Mistake #3) we find the last cart conducive to shopping with a herd. In other words, the last cart with two seats for kids. It is full of puddles. Someone must have just brought it in from outside. This invites more tears from Megan. I see an old newspaper on the floor. Pick it up and use it to wipe the puddles of water off the seats. I gently STUFF Megan & Andrew into their spots. The cart is freezing. And wobbly, of course, which just makes this story even better to blog about.

Megan is wanting a hug. James is limping. Andrew can already smell the cookies, which means he's ready to leap out of my arms. "We're not doing this already." I repeated (half pleaded) to them. Begging didn't work. There are still wails coming from all my kids. We enter the produce section. I stop, breathe deep and tell them, "Kids, we are not going to cry right now. Everything is OK." I give them all hugs and kisses, and think in the back of my mind that I could make a fortune if I printed & sold T-shirts for frazzled grocery shopping moms.

Here are some of my ideas for the logos:
"I'm only here because we REALLY need food," or
"Yes, all these kids are mine," or
"No, these kids aren't all mine, I have five more at home." This last logo is a favorite of mine simply because I have a deep appreciation for sarcasm.

The next hour of grocery shopping with children could also be referred to as Creative ways to say 'NO' hour. I attempt to move quickly through the aisles as my kids ask me for things.
If you were in the store, here's what you'd hear me say:
"Hmmm, I'll think about it,"
"Wouldn't that be fun?"
"Maybe another day,"
"No, we don't need that,"
"This has too much sugar,"
"Maybe you could ask for that for your birthday,"
And other such nonsense all in the name of avoiding a hysterical response. My favorite request was when my oldest asked me to buy water. At the time, it really struck me as ridiculous that someone would charge $1.50 for water. We have water at home. Filtered, cold, delicious, FREE water at home.

In between the requests we had plenty of melodic shrieks from Megan who was like a pawn in Andrew's hands. Here they were. Strapped in. Right next to each other. Andrew's chubby little hands couldn't resist Megan's silky, golden hair. Pull, Andrew. Pull, PULL!

Once we made it to the front of the store to purchase our groceries, we had a half a dozen long lines to choose from. I looked at my kids. Gauged how much longer they could last. Studied each line. Observed the height of the items people's carts. Then finally determined which one would be best and most expeditious. I'll spare you from any suspense. I picked the WRONG line. Mistake #4.

The first customer decided to pay for all her food with pennies and 500 coupons. Not really, but practically. For some reason, her purchase was taking quite a long time. After the customer handed each coupon to the store clerk, the clerk had to make notes on them. I promise, the clerk was writing a mini novel with every purchase.

The next couple in front of me decided to separate their cart into five purchases, using up all the little dividers. Are these people just trying to give me something to blog about? It gets better. They couldn't decide how to pay for each of their purchases. Check? Credit card? They got into an argument. I was about to die.

Meanwhile, in the middle of this hostile purchase, the clerk looked at her watch. "I'm going on break," she said, and she started to take off her apron and hand over the reigns to another clerk close by. PUH-LEASE! Don't they know that they are using up the short time left before my kids lose it? Again?

Well, they took too long. Andrew got bored with this scene so he decided to see what would happen if he tried to scratch Megan's eyes out. The result was one of THE LOUDEST screams I've ever heard. And, I've heard a lot of very loud screams. Megan's cheek was bleeding underneath her eye. I tried to get to her quickly. But between the narrow lanes, my big pregnant behind, our grocery cart, and the shelf of Enquirer magazines, the bleeding stopped before I fumbled all the way over to her.

Finally, we loaded everything on the belt. The grocery stores here make you bag all your own groceries. The only store that bags for you is a store that we can't afford. This is always a race against time because if you don't get your groceries bagged in a timely manner, your food can get mixed up with that of the people behind you. When I have my wits about me, I try to slow the clerks down by giving them all my produce first. But I did not have my wits about me this day. After a harrowing trip to the store, I really wish they'd just bag my stinkin' groceries for me. Can't they see? "I've really got my hands full."

(This is the number one comment I hear in public, by the way...)

Moral of the story: Avoid flag poles in grocery store parking lots, puddles in your cart, lines with other people, and grocery shopping all together.